We cannot be a true friend for everyone, we can only be at least good to some of them.

And I have those friends
who would most likely consider your attendance as a basis for true friendship.

And I already expected it and I'm used to seeing it
those posts in facebook saying - "Ang tunay na kaibigan hindi nag-iiwanan / naglilimutan."
(or whatever)
lagi naman ganun ang tema ng mga post after mag-meet.
(whether I am there or not)

And here I am, a type of 'friend' who is probably not present in all occasions...
but I think it should not depreciate the value of 'friendship' I have with them.

And of course, we all have the 'reasons' to justify / rationalize our thoughts and actions.
Maybe, our ideologies and philosophies (para malalim lol) didn't just meet halfway.

And so, life continues for everyone.
That's how it is. I guess.

I don't know.

We basically have our own struggles in life.

Sometimes, I do take courage to face it.

And work on it every single moment of my life.

But then, I guess… most of the time I am really not so committed in trying to resolve it.

What visions do I have in mind?

Well, there are many.

It would be very frustrating to discuss it all in detail.

But I wanted to. I just don’t know how to start or if I do have to tell it.

yeah.

Yeah...
I have been restlessly anxious.
That is because I am...
So afraid to fail.

I think...
I have been guarding up myself.
To be protected.
Overprotected.

We don't wanna be very vulnerable.
In their eyes...
Yeah...
We don't want to be like that.

But the more I tried to keep myself from all the possible hurts...
The more I am actually hurt... by myself.

I am no perfect.
That's very cliche to say.

But yeah...
I am really not.

inner battles

This too shall past.

But while it is still happening...
...I am really having a hard time.

It may not be a very big deal for others.
Or maybe I am just magnifying the little battles inside me.

Whatever it is...
...I'm hoping for all these things to end.

Bed.

Today, I found myself laying on the bed the whole day.
I feel like I'm trying to escape from all of my anxiety through sleeping.

It felt so bad.
Feeling not so accomplished.
Have done nothing.

just an idea

I am not really familiar with the common name of the scientific names of different worms.
And so...  I think I was not able to do well in that quiz.

While I look at those blank items which I could no longer answer...
I said to myself -

"I just don't wanna study anymore... I wanted to learn."

Time.

I wish I could tell somebody how troubled I am inside.
It's like, for all the times I have frowned... I just wanna give myself and everyone I meet along the way a smile.

I wish I could beg for the time to run fast when times go rough...
I wish I could let time slow down whenever I feel happy, smiling, talking and laughing with them.
I wish I could always have time for things I want to do, more than the things that I needed to do.

I wanna know if there's someone who could understand my mind... my heart... my soul... the real person I am.
I have hidden myself from all the people around... thinking that I could only be the one who could understand... or trying to understand the person I have become.

I would always wanna feel the sunshine.
I would wanted to be at peace with myself all the time.

I don't wanna be selfish.
I don't wanna be a burden to anyone.
I know we all carry weights on our own.

I wish I could hug someone... and cry... and just cry.
I wish there is someone who could slap my face to wake me up.

Please pull me up...
from where I have let myself down.

I Know.

Fuck.

I can't be inspired by all these paperworks!
Sigh...

One of the perks of being a wallflower in this world.

The first step is always the hardest.
Especially when you are trying to push yourself.

What makes me happy?
Well, today I realized that simple things can make you genuinely happy.

Naglista ako ng dalawang bagay na kailangan kong bilhin.
Usually, pag kaunti lang, di na ako mag-effort bilhin.
Pwede namang sa susunod na lang kasabay ng iba pang bilihin.
But I did make an effort to buy those things.
Napakasimple lang.
Pero wala lang.
Masaya.

It's like I was able to work out a very simple plan.
Ganun lang.

I love watching people.
I like observing how each person is different from one another.
I like realizing how different I am.
I love appreciating a person's individuality.

I like seeing myself learning from others.
I like picking up an idea, or a certain behavior that I could practice.
I love catching wisdom from their thoughts.
I am very much particular with the details.
I just love it.

One of the perks of being a wallflower in this world.

Hoping to be better.

I have been more quiet for the past few days.
Frustrations. Fatigue. Anxiety.
All are mixing up inside me.

Napaka-ironic...
Kung kailan ako mas naging tahimik.
Saka naman ako mas napapansin.

It's not that annoying.
But it feels weird.

Baka ganun na naman kasi.

Ang totoo...
I'm tired of starting over again.
I mean...
I have seen myself 'peaked' for some time,
Pagkatapus mauuwi rin naman ulit sa ibaba.
Ibig sabihin sa umpisa. Sa dati. Sa kinagawian.

That is not the type of 'change' that I want.
O baka naman tama lang yung quotes na aking nabasa.
"Ang alon ay pataas at pababa...
Gayunpaman, nakararating pa rin ito sa patutunguhan."
Do I need to accept that...
Maybe yes... may be not.

Gusto kong subukan ulit.
I really do.
But whenever I think about it,
I somehow feel annoyed,
Baka ganun na naman kasi.

Start. Lagi na lang.

Isa sa pinakamahirap...
Ay yung makita mo ulit ang iyong sarili na nagsisismula.
Nakakabadtrip! Nagawa mo na dati, tapus uulitin mo na naman.
Yung tipong nakausad ka na, pero parang bumabalik ka sa simula.

Pero, tulad nga ng nabanggit sa isang kanta...
"Start over agaian, but this time do it right.
Start over again... start over again."

Napakaraming panimula... iisa lang naman ang ending.

Mema-Hugot Things...

I wish, I could be very honest with how I feel tonight.
Whenever I try to write about my 'dramas'... parang ang korni.

I have been very morbid about my thoughts. I do wish everyday, for no particular or very valid reason, that I could at least end my life. And yeah, di naman nangyayari hahaha. Heto nga, I am still writing about the 'shits' in my life.

1. Nakaka-miss yung mga gabing wala kang iniisip para bukas. Yung mga moment that I can still enjoy reading a book. Enjoying every word... phrase... sentence... paragraph. Every emotion and every hugot na meron sa librong binabasa mo. Ang saya lang, parang may sarili kang mundo.

2. I wish i could tell to people around me that I appreciate every smile and even small talks with them. Di naman talaga ako suplado. Nagpapakabusy lang na tao. Pero ang totoo... ayoko lang kasing ma-preoccupied ng mga thoughts ko. However, when I'm home, ayan na, nilulunod na nila ako.

3. One time, may nagtanong sa akin if 'bi' daw ba ako. I don't know what to say. Di ko alam kung dapat ba akong sumagot, hehehe. I mean, di ko nga tiyak if that person really understood the question she's trying to ask... hindi ko nga maintindihan yung buo kong sarili, tapus, isasagot ko pa sa kanya. Pa'no na?!

4. I have so many insecurities about myself. I think, do have more frustrations in life than ambitions. I always seemed to be an optimistic person to others, but that's the only way I could battle against myself being pessimistic.

5. I can definitely say that I'm living for my dreams. A very generic answer hehehe.

6. I always try to avoid having criticized by a lot of people.

7. What I need most right now... a person who can relate to all these nonsense dramas... an older person than me who is willing to share his wisdom... a person who is most likely spend a lot of time digging out the person in me.

8. I definitely love talking to random people. I feel like I am more alive kapag ganun. Kahit saglit na usap lang, I feel very connected to them. If only they will not judge me of being kulang sa pansin or walang kausap sa buhay, I would probably talk to every person I meet along the way, literally!

9. I think this world needs people who love diversity, understand uniqueness and appreciate everyone without any judgement.

10. The most beautiful thing I have seen today is his face.

Stress!

Nai-stress akong tunay sa research na yan... hay buhay. Idinadaan ko na nga lang sa pagsusuot ng salamin para magkaroon ng talino effect, pero wala pa rin.

Mabuti pa yung nakasakay ko sa bus, mga 'pabebe-thingy' lang ang pinag-uusapan! Unfair! Hahaha. Habang natutulala ako sa byahe dahil di ko mawari kung paano kami uusad dahil wala pa nga kaming matinong research proposal, itong si ateng sa bus pabebe lang ang pinagkakaabalahan, hustisya naman di ba? May nalalaman pa s'yang ang kanilang relationship daw (kwento nya sa kausap niya, na naririnig ko lang naman) ay halos 'close to perfection' na... ikaw na talaga ateng! Hahaha. Bitter na bitter ako, dahil neither my 'lablayf' nor our research is close to perfection... so ano, kaylupit ng mundo.

Gusto kong magtatakbo kung saan, hahaha, dahil nai-stress talaga akong tunay.

First Sheet.

I could not help not to recall that moment nung tinanong ako ng isang kaibigan kung meron daw ba akong bestfriend... yung parang saglit akong naging tanga... eh kasi wala akong masagot.

"Pano'ng wala? Ano yun walang nakakaintindi sa'yo? Ikaw lang?" tapus tumawa siya.

Shet... Naawa ako bigla sa sarili ko. Bakit nga ba wala akong bestfriend. Siguro kasi sapat na sa akin na kaibigan kita... wala nang ibang 'levels', hanggang ganun lang.

On the other hand, napaisip tuloy ako kung kaibigan ko nga ba yung nagtanong sa akin ng ganun. Ang sakit naman kung kaibigan ang turing ko sa kanila tapus pagdating sa akin 'nga-nga'.

Shet! Shet! Shet! (o mas appropriate kung shit?).

Ang sarap mag-shet! lalo na kung anonymous ka, hahaha.